My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
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Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.