[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
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When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
He a real one for that
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?