My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
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I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.