Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
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Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Owl Sanctuary
When you “pspspsp” too hard
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.