Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Is anyone gonna tell them?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
That earthquake could have been an email.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out