Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
You Might Also Like
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]