4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
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3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).