4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!


4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

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the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free


A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.


My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.


“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.


If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.


Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.


[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids


[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex


Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”


Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.