Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
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interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My dog ate my work from home.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself