[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
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When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
#SuperBowl
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
look at me when i’m typing to you