Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
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Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it