me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
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Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.