Good morning
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Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL