Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
You Might Also Like
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….