experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
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oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
What the hell happened in there??
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
So we got a goldfish…
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
SPLOOT
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ