[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
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This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
bias laundering edition
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.