*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.