me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
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shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
#milo
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.