Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
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every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
We like the way Dwight thinks
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips