Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
You Might Also Like
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
bugs when you lift up a rock
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point