Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“HELP WITH CAT”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.