Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*![]()
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem