GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
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Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??