GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I hope they boil the right one.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.
-Lies I’ve told to cops.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Judge: your word is tennis
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.