Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
umm…
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.