Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
.. do you even science?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
wow he looks just like him
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Best table by far
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year