“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
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Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?