There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
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Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
True
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.