Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
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Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.