I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
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Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would