Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
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It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now