Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up