I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
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Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
when someone compliments me
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?