Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
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Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.