A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.