Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I think I’ll stand
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )