if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
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There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
How all things should be taught/explained.