As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
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At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.