I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.