She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
me irl
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.