Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
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Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
no
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.