@praisecheese

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

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@What_Idiot_

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

@poutinesmoothie

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

@donni

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

@coolestgf

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

@brianbowman73

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

@Cheeseboy22

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

@PaperWash

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.