What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.
You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.
It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.