Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
You Might Also Like
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
*checks Timeline*…
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…