I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
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me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Not all heroes wear capes….