me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
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Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Mouse
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon