“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Become ungovernable.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?