choose your fighter
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If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.