Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
You Might Also Like
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Breaking news:
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?