My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
The best shot in the history of golf
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Good morning!
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.