Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
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Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
grotesque if literal: baby food
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.