Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
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Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
WWE is French for “yes”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.