The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
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I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
what’s the point then??
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Delightful if true: booby trap.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.